Thursday 4 October 2012

Facebook is Like...


Human beings are capable of anything.
I mean anything! If you don’t believe me, just go and see the new Facebook advert. If you had come to me a week ago and said that a multigazillion dollar brand that doesn’t even need to advertise, would do it anyway, and that too with a combination of calling itself a chair, saying a lot of words that sound like sentences but don’t actually mean much, and putting together a string of video-clips that could make hallmark cards look as profound and stimulating as the works of Dostoevsky, I would’ve laughed at your naivety. “Don’t be ridiculous!” I would’ve said, “Surely a company that’s basically creeped into a billion people’s heads and made ‘Like’ and ‘Share’ shaped dents in their brains wouldn’t be stupid enough to do such a thing?? And who would even buy this crap?”

Well, like I said, human beings are capable of anything.

Are we really to believe in all honesty that Facebook is like a chair? You cannot be serious. What’s that, Barack Obama? Yes, you can? Yeah, you know what? You are right. Whatever happened to imagination, eh? Of course Facebook is a chair! And a doorbell! And if you squint and tilt your head to the left, it’s a bit like a toothbrush. One small problem though; that’s not ALL that it is. My chair doesn’t, for example, have impenetrable privacy settings. If I put my chair on my phone, it wouldn’t insist on being ‘updated’ every twenty minutes! If I gave my personal details to my doorbell, it wouldn’t sell them to the next person that walks in with a ton of cash. No, no, Facebook is so much more!

So, continuing with the spirit of second-rate but inspired drivel, I present to you, my own comprehensive and even-handed list of things that ‘define’ Facebook-

Facebook... is like snot. It’s icky, and distracting when you are trying to work. Facebook is like crystal meth, in that it’s hard to tell just how much is too much. Facebook is like a wet towel. It is disgusting, but sometimes you HAVE to use it, because no one planned ahead, and everyone’s been using it and now it’s all you’ve got.

Imagine walking into a room wearing your best outfit, but also with a piece of gum stuck in your hair. People can’t take their eyes off you, can hardly talk about anything else. You seem to be the centre of everything, if only because your pitiful attempts at trying to appear charming are helping everyone else feel that much saner and healthier. Facebook is that piece of gum.

Facebook is like dog poo. Once you are in it, it’s too late. You know that box of leftovers in the fridge that you try not to think much about for a long time, and then it gets scary, because it starts growing new stuff? Facebook is that box. Facebook is like a padded bra. Sure, it gives you a renewed sense of self, but it’s not fooling anyone. Facebook is like a dead rat on the road that’s been run over by a hundred different cars. Every time you come back and look at it, it appears a tiny bit different, and a tiny bit worse.

Yes, Facebook is like a chair. But it’s also like a table. You could bang your head on it all day, but the table is not the one that is going to get hurt.

34 comments:

  1. Oh that ad is such a pitiful thing.

    And everything you said about facebook is true. It is that piece of gum, that fungus-ridden box, the family common room you CANNOT possibly bypass while trying to get to your own sanctuary. Ugh, we're in too deep, aren't we?

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  2. Empty chairs are now running the world apparently!

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    Replies
    1. And unlike a chair, facebook makes you sign up as a member to look at it!

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  3. I think Facebook might be the chair that Clint Eastwood was talking to at the Republican Convention.

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    Replies
    1. Simon OCnaimhsighe5 October 2012 at 12:40

      Brilliant.

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    2. "Mr. Zuckerberg, what would you say is your plan to keep my personal info safe and evil-free?"
      ...
      "Oh, you don't have an answer for that?"

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  4. Ah Facebook, that stock market disaster.

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  5. simon O'Cnaimhsighe5 October 2012 at 12:39

    Facebook is like the iron door that the council erroneously erected, thus trapping me in my flat. Except I have now gotten so thin that I can slip through the gaps and escape.

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  6. Lol, although if you put your chair on your phone, you'd just get a crushed phone :)

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. Facebook is like cheap second-hand furniture

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  9. Worse is that the ad said "That is why chairs are like facebook". That's like saying "Dolly Parton's version of that Whitney Houston song is a bit meh."

    Chair here first. Facebook, you like chair, not chair like facebook.

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  10. People will soon discover the power of NOT beeing on Facebook: I would compare the feeling of NOT beeing on Facebook with the feeling of getting a big castle with big fences. And NOT beeing on Facebook dosent mean you stop existing: No, EVERYBODY know you are outhere somewhere in that big freedom castle of total privacy. Secluded like a fashionable BILLIONAIRE :D

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  11. Facebook has started to be talked about in the same sentences as stalking, hate pages, tribute pages for criminals, invasions of privacy, and taking ownership of personal details. Not chairs.

    Great blog, great article. Well done.

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  12. Now I know I am right in not signing up to Facebook. Thank you. Privacy intact when I want.

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  13. No comments enabled on the youtube clip - says something!

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  14. The Chair is missing the whoopee cushion filled with that farmyard odour.

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  15. Really. Get over yourselves.

    Of all the things in the world that are harmful, aren't there better places to direct you angry energies?

    Yes, Facebook aren't a model of perfection, but there's plenty of space above them on the bad list for all the banks, insurers, energy companies, defence, finance, big tobacco etc.

    Fashions will move on and Facebook is one of those. People around me keep saying they are 'so over Twitter'. Just like they were saying about Facebook 2 years ago.

    Also re: Privacy - to Facebook you're just a number. Don't flatter yourself that you're anything more than that!

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    Replies
    1. By that same logic, shouldn't you be NOT wasting your time commenting on casual blogposts?

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    2. >there's plenty of space above them on the bad list
      Nah, pretentious adverts for things I don't like are top of my bad list.

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    3. "To Facebook you're just a number. Don't flatter yourself that you're anything more than that!"

      That would have made a great strapline for the ad.

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  16. Thought the advert was a joke or a send up and was waiting for the punch line at the end. Still cannot believe this is a real ad, this is a joke surely.

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  17. My computer must be playing up - can't find the 'Like' button for this article...

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  18. Your post read a bit FightClub-esque

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  19. As a fully qualified man, I can say with some surety that padded bras do fool quite a lot of us.

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    Replies
    1. That's true but they don't stand up to an "in depth" investiagation

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  20. "I am," I said
    To no one there
    An no one heard at all
    Not even the chair
    "I am," I cried
    "I am," said I
    And I am lost, and I can't even say why
    Leavin' me lonely still
    (Credit - Neil Diamond)

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  21. Great post! I'm spending more and more time on Google+. I'm glad almost none of my Facebook "Friends" are there. If FB had a "Hate" and "Indifferent" button to go along with "Like", I would hang out there longer just for fun. I'm happy you don't need to click on an "Ignore" button though. I would wear out my mouse.

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  22. although if you put your seat on your cellphone, you'd just get a mashed cellphone :)

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